25 June 2010

inspiration


have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves...
don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
and the point is, to live everything.
live the questions now.
perhaps then, someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.
[rainer maria rilke]

everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.
[leo tolstoy]

every arrangement in life carried with it the sadness, the sentimental shadow, of its not being something else, but only itself.
[lorrie moore]

it ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we're talking about when we talk about love.
[raymond carver]

broken-heart

broken: not functioning properly; out of working order.
heart: the center of the total personality, esp. with reference to intuition, feeling, or emotion.

in the blink of an eye, one's entire world can be turned upside down. mine was. at first, I was fine with the changes that happened.. but now, I feel like I have been abandoned and left for dead. granted, I am a healthy, college-educated, young lady, I think I should be fine. but, emotionally, I feel like I have been stuck in a snow globe, just watching two hands furiously shake me around.. last week I lived in knoxville. this week I reside in memphis. last week I had an amazing boyfriend (or so I thought). this week I am all alone. last week I had a full-time job. this week I am on a desperate search for any job.

I want more than anything to make sense out of things, but for right now, the best I can do is, I guess write in this silly blog.

I have always been an advocate of finding happiness in ones self before ever finding happiness in anything else.. but all of a sudden, this mantra of mine has lost all of its meaning. what is happiness anyway? is there even such a thing? or do we all just go around convincing ourselves and one another that such a thing exists. I don't like to think about it too much; but the more I do ponder it, the more I realize how complicated everything in this world is.

I know that life is too short to be absolutely miserable all the time.. I heard someone the other day say "I couldn't imagine in a thousand years..." this made me think.. our lives, if we are lucky, will never be anything more than one hundred years long. I am twenty four now. so, at best I have about sixty years left to live. writing that down and hearing it out loud frightens me terribly. I want to live my life to the fullest, I really do. but right now, I am stuck in what seems to be life's quicksand. I am not waiting to be rescued, I am just waiting to get some sort of zeal back. last week I truly thought I was in love with someone who is now like a complete stranger to me. last week, I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person. now, I am learning to live on my own. it's sort of like rehab.. I feel like I am having to learn everything all over again.

I am not looking for someone to save me. I know no one can do this.. all I am looking for is some sort of inspiration. and I hope that through this blog, I can reconnect with myself, as cheesy as that sounds. so, read if you like. I don't mind.. I really have nothing to hide.